I am...

I'm your friend, your student, your classmate, your coworker, your family member, your worship leader, your student leader. You see me at school, or church, and we hang out on the weekends. But nobody knows that though I am all these things, I am also something else. I'm suicidal.
About 4 months ago when the thoughts started, I never imagined that I would be making this blog post. I never imagined that I would be typing up some of my darkest thoughts for the world to see. But here I am, pouring out the entirety of me into this blog.
Before I tell you about my personal experience, let me educate you a little bit on suicide.

1.3% of all deaths are from suicide.
On average, one suicide occurs every 17 minutes.
On average, an elderly person dies by suicide every 1 hour and 37 minutes.
On average, a young person (age 15-24) dies by suicide every 2 hours and 12 minutes.
Suicide is the eleventh leading cause of death for all Americans.
Suicide is the third leading cause of death for young people aged 15-24 year olds.
(1st = accidents, 2nd = homicide)
Suicide is the fifth leading cause of death for young people aged 5-14 year olds.
Suicide is the second leading cause of death among college students.
Suicide is the eighth leading cause of death for males.
Suicide is the nineteenth leading cause of death for females.  (Suicide Statistics, suicide.org)

I'll start off by saying that my life is really great. I love Jesus, I have amazing friends and people in my life, I go to a great college, the list goes on and on. So why in the world would I have thoughts of wanting to kill myself? To be honest with you, I still don't quite know. All I know is that, all of a sudden I was hardcore wondering who would miss me if I was gone, and honestly what It'd be like to attempt something such as killing myself. Even during the worst times when the thoughts would come, I knew that I never actually wanted to die. Even in the moments when I was scared to be alone with myself, I knew that I wasn't done with this life. I feel like this makes the battle even harder. You're not done with living, yet at the same time, you just want it all to go away. That's how I felt. I was trapped by lies that the enemy was telling me and dangerously close to trying something that I would forever regret. I'm generally a play-it-safe kind of girl. I don't try wild things, and I usually stay in my comfort zone. But there were still moments that I felt these uncontrollable urges to try the unimaginable. The only thing I knew to do in those moments was warfare prayer on my mind, which likely the only reason I'm alive today. It was a fight that had to be fought, and fought hard. Ultimately the battle was won, not on my strength alone, but on His. If you go in my Bible, there are verses upon verses with "suicidal thoughts" written in the margins. Those were the verses that helped me the most, and still help me today during the difficult times.  After I told all the important people in my life, my youth leaders, parents, best friends, psychiatrist, and therapist, the thoughts eventually started to go away. I firmly believe that it is because of the people that were covering me in prayer that I am alive today, and have never attempted anything.
If you would like a more in depth post or have anything questions about anything at all- don't hesitate to comment!