I am...

I'm your friend, your student, your classmate, your coworker, your family member, your worship leader, your student leader. You see me at school, or church, and we hang out on the weekends. But nobody knows that though I am all these things, I am also something else. I'm suicidal.
About 4 months ago when the thoughts started, I never imagined that I would be making this blog post. I never imagined that I would be typing up some of my darkest thoughts for the world to see. But here I am, pouring out the entirety of me into this blog.
Before I tell you about my personal experience, let me educate you a little bit on suicide.

1.3% of all deaths are from suicide.
On average, one suicide occurs every 17 minutes.
On average, an elderly person dies by suicide every 1 hour and 37 minutes.
On average, a young person (age 15-24) dies by suicide every 2 hours and 12 minutes.
Suicide is the eleventh leading cause of death for all Americans.
Suicide is the third leading cause of death for young people aged 15-24 year olds.
(1st = accidents, 2nd = homicide)
Suicide is the fifth leading cause of death for young people aged 5-14 year olds.
Suicide is the second leading cause of death among college students.
Suicide is the eighth leading cause of death for males.
Suicide is the nineteenth leading cause of death for females.  (Suicide Statistics, suicide.org)

I'll start off by saying that my life is really great. I love Jesus, I have amazing friends and people in my life, I go to a great college, the list goes on and on. So why in the world would I have thoughts of wanting to kill myself? To be honest with you, I still don't quite know. All I know is that, all of a sudden I was hardcore wondering who would miss me if I was gone, and honestly what It'd be like to attempt something such as killing myself. Even during the worst times when the thoughts would come, I knew that I never actually wanted to die. Even in the moments when I was scared to be alone with myself, I knew that I wasn't done with this life. I feel like this makes the battle even harder. You're not done with living, yet at the same time, you just want it all to go away. That's how I felt. I was trapped by lies that the enemy was telling me and dangerously close to trying something that I would forever regret. I'm generally a play-it-safe kind of girl. I don't try wild things, and I usually stay in my comfort zone. But there were still moments that I felt these uncontrollable urges to try the unimaginable. The only thing I knew to do in those moments was warfare prayer on my mind, which likely the only reason I'm alive today. It was a fight that had to be fought, and fought hard. Ultimately the battle was won, not on my strength alone, but on His. If you go in my Bible, there are verses upon verses with "suicidal thoughts" written in the margins. Those were the verses that helped me the most, and still help me today during the difficult times.  After I told all the important people in my life, my youth leaders, parents, best friends, psychiatrist, and therapist, the thoughts eventually started to go away. I firmly believe that it is because of the people that were covering me in prayer that I am alive today, and have never attempted anything.
If you would like a more in depth post or have anything questions about anything at all- don't hesitate to comment!

When Joy Doesn't Come In The Morning: My Journey With Depressionand and What God's Teaching Me

 My Story 

I've had countless people -- youth leaders, my parents, and doctors ask me, "when did it first start?" For me, depression wasn't just something that came and ran me over all at once, it was a slow process that felt like it was trying to destroy me. I started to realize that something was off during the fall semester of my sophomore year. I woke up everyday with this weight on my chest, this feeling in my heart that deep down something was wrong. I would tell myself things like, "I'm a teenager it's just emotions, I'm supposed to feel like this every now and then." But as time went on the weight got heavier, and heavier, and eventually just stayed. By the time that January of 2015 came around I was canceling all my plans because all I wanted to do was lay in bed. The enemy had captured me with his lies and was holding me hostage as a prisoner of my own mind. Inwardly, I was struggling and in many ways spiritually dead. Outwardly, I was the same happy go-lucky,white girl who loves Jesus, and no one knew what was going on inside of me. Everyday I walked around with this mask. I'd been doing it for so long that I didn't know how to act any other way, it was normal for me. Even my best friend didn't believe that I was actually depressed. It got to the point where I told my mom that I needed to go see a doctor. The months following the doctors visit seemed to change everything. I began getting heavily involved in my church and youth group, I was finally forming relationships with friends and leaders, and I could feel God moving in my life in ways like never before. I thought everything was better. I thought I was better.  But in between the end of this summer and the start of the school year, I began drifting deeper and deeper into the arms of depression than I ever have before.  

For a long time I struggled with the spiritual side of depression. At first, I never fully accepted depression as something I had because I thought that it was an issue in my faith. “I feel this way because I'm not close enough to God, therefore it's my fault,” was the lie that kept me from being able to get help for a really long time. I think back to my sophomore year and can see how much I was struggling without even realizing it. I would say things like, "Yeah I get depressed here and there" but I never really took myself seriously. I remember not wanting to go see a psychiatrist because I didn't want to be medicated for a heart issue that I needed to talk to a leader and pray to Jesus about.  While I do believe that depression is (for the most part) outside of the spiritual realms, I also believe that the Enemy of our souls does not miss an opportunity. Our real battle is not with depression, it’s with Satan. In Ephesians 6:12 it states that, “…we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.”  

Depression is a very dirty liar. For a long time I was bound by lies that I was just a worthless, incompetent little girl who no one would really miss if I was gone. Depression will tell you that you have no hope and because of this, why should you even still be alive? Personally, I've never had thoughts of suicide or harming myself, I just knew that I didn't wanna be living the part of life that I was at. It takes a whole lot of bravery to stand in the face of what's trying to kill you and say, “no”. That kind of bravery only comes from God, and for a long time I didn't have that bravery. In my darkest moments all I wanted was for someone to say, “I've been there too”. I just wanted to know that I wasn't alone, that I had no reason to be ashamed for the things going on inside of my mind. Young person you are not alone, you are not worthless, and you do have a hope and that hope is Jesus. Romans 5:2-5 says that, "Through Him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only that but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." God doesn't let us go through anything that has no purpose. 

What God's Teaching Me 

 Over the past few months, my passion for and relationship with God has grown tremendously. When I'm in these valleys, He's always trying to teach me something new about myself. Since school has started, my depression has felt worse than ever before, and the only reason that I can get up in the morning is because this is the first time that I've ever taken it to God. If I went through it like this a year ago, who knows what I'd be doing. I firmly believe that it's no coincidence that my pastor decides to do a three month sermon series on joy at the exact moment that I need to here it. The most freeing thing that my pastor has said is that joy, unlike happiness, is not a feeling. I used to be so afraid of being in a down mood and not "feeling it", because I felt like that meant something was wrong with me. When the reality is, yeah I'm not always gonna be in a good mood or happy, but that doesn't mean that I won't feel full of joy in Christ. Because, "Joy is not the absence of your prison, but the presence of your Savior" -- Mike Patz (my pastor). Everyday is a process and a fight, but I'm learning to beat the enemy through Christ before he can beat me. 2 Corinthians 10:3-5 has quickly become my life verse and ultimate hope. It says, "For though we walk in the flesh, we are not waging war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ." (I have verses and songs for days that have helped me get through this, if you would like to see another post about that, let me know!)  

Mental Illness: A Dirty Little Secret

     I feel the need to make a preface post to tell you what this blog is all about. 

    I feel this massive calling to talk about something that isn't being talked about-- mental illness. All day long people will advocate for cancer, ALS, the list goes on and on. But I've noticed that not as many people advocate for mental illness, especially Christians. In a blog post that I read, someone described anxiety and depression as, "The Church's dirty little secret". Why is that? Why are we so afraid and so ashamed to talk about what's really going on inside of our minds? Just because it doesn't leave a visible scar doesn't mean that it isn't as serious. I think if more people spoke out about their pain in mental illness, there would be less shame and less of a social stigma when someone says that they struggle with depression, or anxiety, or bipolar disorder. But we don't wanna talk about it because we're scared of the things we can't explain and we like the masks we wear and the chains that bind us. We stay hidden and keep our dirty little secret to ourselves, not realizing that there are people out there just like us and all they want is to hear someone say, "You're not alone". Oh how I wish someone had said that to me sooner.  You are not alone. Not just because people share in your struggle, but because you were created by a God who says that He will never leave you. Even In your darkest moments that don't make sense, He's right there.